At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.