@jonnysun: *at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset? M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let's call it even
@shaztaberry: Daughter: dad Im a lesbian Dad: Okay its cool 2nd daughter: dad I'm a lesbian too Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys? Son: I do
@tastefactory: COP: We have reports of u blasting music. ME: Sorry I'll keep the Metallica down COP: We were told it was Britney Spears "Lucky." On repeat.
@merican_ninjy: I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.