*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
You Might Also Like
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell