*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?