*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
so i’m at the stock market right
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*