[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!