[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
bro what is going on at twitter
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
when mom throws a party…
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.