[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I hope they boil the right one.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.