[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
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None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Just why bro?!
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.