At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
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No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”