@Tetley6969: At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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@Home_Halfway: BARISTA: I have an order for...God? Is there a God? [no one answers] ATHEIST: Haha told ya GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I'm here ATH: Shit
@youcancallmesim: "She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
@iwearaonesie: *makes sandwich* *sits down to eat it* *sees dog staring at me* *rips off small piece* *gives her the rest*