At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Pickled cat.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.