@Tetley6969: At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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@CelebrityGaucho: [Spelling bee, to clench victory] "O,P... (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E." Judges? (Opossum judges whispering for a bit) Correct.
@junejuly12: Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid's school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
@Dadsbustednuts: I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
@eddiesnextwife: My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.