At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
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If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?