I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?