[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Tell me you get it…🤣
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.