Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”