At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.