Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
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“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Meow
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
yea so i messed up lol
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me