@JasonLight73: At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station
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@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'
@Mister_Veritas: ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on my lawn GUY: Huh? ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
@danjan13: My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don't think it's weird, it's so clever! My gf 2nd month: listen
@realHamOnWry: Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.