[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing