[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Human are so complicated
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.