I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I hate when that happens.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?