[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
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Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.