*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
nice challenge
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Become ungovernable.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool