[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.