[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.