[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.