[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
my nickname in college
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.