At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.