My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
School be like
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.