[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.