At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
All set.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones