At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.