publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
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Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?