[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
shit just got real
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.