[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.