I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
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saving face 👀
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.