Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
couldn’t resist
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”