Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
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If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium