A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
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Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.