Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
This is a whole mood;
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.