Atheists are Popeless romantics.
You Might Also Like
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Uh oh…
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*