Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
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I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Somebody’s lying.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Beards are a privilege, not a right
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok