Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?