Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You Might Also Like
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
smartest karate player in the world
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.