@papasuncle: ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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@robdelaney: Steve Jobs' entire legacy is invalidated by the shortness of the iPhone charger's cord.
@CourtneyBale: Narrator: Here we see the Me: Here we see the N:...gazelle in M: the nature program narrator N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
@polite_good_boy: DOG: woof ME: you wanna go outside? DOG: [wagging tail] woof woof! ME: ok just a second DOG: [pulls a gun] woof [gestures to door] woof
@MisterBombay: Before Twitter, I'd ignore dumb thoughts in my head like "How do Vampires buy pants if they can't look in a mirror?" Now, I tweet them