ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
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Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.