*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You Might Also Like
Sharon, call the vet
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Not all heroes wear capes….
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
My circle of trust is a meatball
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing