ATMs should have breathalyzers
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Life cycle of cat
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.