*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
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Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.