ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter: