When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
There is no “ea” in Tim.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?