Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You Might Also Like
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right