@Chumpstring: Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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@Ygrene: [first date] DATE: so you love dogs? ME: yes, I relate to them very much DATE: aww that's swee- [a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
@FilthyRichmond: I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, "Ha! I didn't amount to anything! In your face!"
@TheAlexP: Little known fact: Henry Ford called it an automobile because "Horse with no Name" sounded stupid.
@NYC_Blonde: I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.