@Chumpstring: Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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@onion_an: [last day at job] "You've made my life a misery, I hate you all" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] "Not you tho Phil"
@TheMichaelRock: 8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this? Me: that's purely speculation