@Chumpstring: Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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@lecalabara: My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
@ElleOhHell: Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
@iamspacegirl: [answering door on halloween] NEIGHBORHOOD MOM: please stop giving the children hamsters ME *hands full of hamsters*: but it's Halloween