@Chumpstring: Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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@WilliamAder: Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month? Me: The package said "Take on an empty stomach" so, not yet.
@pleatedjeans: Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny's Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
@iYoungKhalifa: Saw a man at the beach screaming, "SAVE ME..I'm drowning". I instantly uploaded his pic, captioned "1 like = 100 prayers" on facebook..!!
@SCbchbum: The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.