[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Put the is in disheveled
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
estão todos miauvindo?
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS