@Super_Cynthia: [auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
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@psinerd: When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".
@jjhartinger: [ring] Me: Hi Mom: You picked up. Me: I know M: Why Me: You called M: I wanted to leave a message Me: Just tell me M: Hang up [ring] Me: Hi
@sarcasticmommy4: One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
@Crutnacker: Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn't recalled because it was too secure. Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.