Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.